Tell Me Where it Hurts

Men have all the luck when it comes to heart attacks.  Their symptoms are very clear:  chest pain, numbness in the arm and then boom, heart attack.

In women, the symptoms are much more vague and can appear to be any number of different ailments.  For example, women’s symptoms are:  feeling tired, sick to the stomach, scared or nervous, headachy and pain in the belly.

Add a jelly donut and that’s my day.

Fairy Tale Reprise

My husband is an idiot.

I’m sure you’ve all heard the children’s story ‘Jack and the Beanstalk.’  Well, boys and girls, here’s a little story I like to call ‘Jack and the Power Washer’, or ‘The Idiot and the Industrial Strength Machine He Should Not Have Used Since He’s An Idiot.’  And it goes like this.

Once upon a time there was an Idiot named Jack who wanted to power wash his house so he borrowed a very, very big, very, very powerful industrial strength Power Washer from a Professional who performed that task for pay.  The Professional was an Idiot too, of course, because he lent it to Jack, who was an Idiot.  When he was done with the house, Jack decided that he needed to power wash his dirty, filthy sneakers with the industrial strength power washing machine.  The only problem was that Jack, who was an Idiot, was still wearing the sneakers at the time.  Poor Idiot Jack.  Because of the sheer force of the water, and the point blank range, Jack couldn’t control the industrial strength Power Washer and he missed his sneakers entirely and power washed his right leg! 

Everything turned out OK for poor Idiot Jack because even though he ripped the skin clear off his leg, the 3200 PSI of water immediately cauterized the open wound and there was no blood at all!  Isn’t that fascinating? 

The Moral of the Story is this boys and girls: Never let an Idiot do what the Professionals get paid for.  The End.

The Only Thing We Have to Fear is Food Itself

I was listening to talk radio one night and the topic was phobias.  As an acute sufferer of claustrophobia, I would never be one to criticize, but the woman who called in actually said she had a fear of – are you ready for this – condiments. 

At first I thought I had heard it wrong, like maybe she said condoms, or condominiums, but no, it was condiments.  She went on to explain that if she were to attend a BBQ she would be afraid of what was going to be put out on the table. 

I don’t think the radio host was prepared to discuss how to handle a fear of deranged catsup bottles, malicious A1 sauce or homicidal mustard so he said thanks for calling and moved on to the next nut. 

And I thought to myself, as a child, was this poor woman attacked by an errant jar of relish?