Pearls

People who own 5 dogs should not wear black pants.

Nothing tastes better than a ripe piece of fruit, until you dribble some of the juice on your shirt.

Large men walking small dogs look like sissies.

Whenever possible, buy a house with dual zone central air.

If you can’t run a football pool and win it, you’re not running it right.

People do not consciously try to be “good,” they just lack the opportunity to do otherwise (Thanks, P).

They only say it’s good luck if it rains on your wedding day because they don’t want you to feel bad.

Never insult someone behind their back until you’re sure the person you’re telling isn’t their relative.

Sooner or later everyone in your life will disappoint you.  Adopt a greyhound.

Someone who says they have never done anything in their life they’re ashamed of is a liar and should be ashamed of themselves for saying that. 

Dead people don’t look out for you.  They’re all off playing cards.

There is no such thing as fate.

Never assume you know what’s best for another person.  You don’t.

Life’s big decisions should not be left to children.  The vast majority have no idea what they want to do with their lives or who they want to do it with when they’re young. 

When life gives you lemons, lemonade is just gonna make you have to pee.