The Marrying Kind

Here’s the advice I give my daughter on men and marriage.  Marry a geek.  It’s the geeks that rule the world.  Bill Gates was NOT the Captain of the football team.

Workin 9 to 5

When you’ve worked in an office as long as I have, certain things start to annoy you.  I made up a list of my favorites:

1)      Do not have “gift” collections that request a specific amount of money.  Send the request anonymously as follows:  Place an envelope in a folder and attach a list of people you wish to extort money from.  As each person receives the folder, they will cross their name off and pass the folder on after they have decided if they want to contribute or not.  Your name will be last on the list which means that when you receive the folder back, what is collected is what you should spend on the gift, unless you want to use your own money.  This also means that as much as you want to, you don’t get to go out and spend $250 on a gift for a VP, who already earns more money then I will ever see in a lifetime, and then ask me for $25.  If someone steals the money from the envelope, let this be a lesson to you.  We’re all strapped for cash.  Stop sending around requests for money. 

2)      Keep “sob story” money requests to a minimum.  I’m sorry that Betty didn’t have flood insurance on her house when the rains came, but I can’t be all things to all people.

3)      If you have cold sores or herpes please don’t come into my work space and use my phone.  As much as I’d like some time off, I don’t want your cooties.

4)      Dress appropriately.  Just because the company allows denim doesn’t mean you should come in wearing ripped jeans and matching t-shirt, looking like you just rolled out of your hamper.

5)      If I am foolish enough to ask you if you want something when I run out for lunch, volunteer the money up front.  I’m your co-worker, not an ATM and frankly when I quit this job, I’m not going to remember your name, so know that I’m not doing this because I like you.  I had a momentary lapse in judgment.

6)      If you don’t wish to contribute to the monthly birthday cake collection, no one will think less of you.  We think less of you when you show up and eat the cake. 

7)      If your kids go out trick or treating and collect enough candy to give diabetes to a small nation, leave it home.  There’s no need for me to get fat. 

8)      Stop coming in late.  Work the hours you’re supposed to like the rest of us so you don’t have to make up your time during off hours when the phones aren’t ringing.

9)      Please don’t stop by my cubicle when I’m busy to tell me about the adorable thing your child/grandchild did.  Please take a look at my desk.  I have pictures of dogs for a reason.  And you’re interrupting me. 

10)  If you drink heavily at lunch, don’t answer the phone when you come back to the office.  We’re tired of hearing you page yourself to answer the call on line 1.

Cut this out and stick it on your wall.  Add to it as annoying people do more annoying things.

Trick or What?

I vote we should ban Halloween.  It’s gotten completely out of control. 

It used to be that cute little kids, in cute little costumes would come up to your door and sheepishly ask for treats in their cute little voices.  Then they said ‘Thank you.’ And wasn’t 12 the mandatory cut off age for trick or treating?  Nowadays, the sky's the limit. 

Today, the cute little kids have been replaced with criminals carrying Hefty bags.  It’s obvious that they’re making no attempt whatsoever at wearing a costume.  Honest to God, one kid came to my door dressed in an orange prison jumpsuit with the town name on his back.  I handed him 9 candy bars, my laptop, my mega millions lottery ticket and begged him to leave me alone.  Then I raced to the TV to check for his face on the 6:00 news. 

Another young girl had on a cheerleaders costume and had the most enormous boobs I have seen in recent years.  I was so disgusted I shut out the front light, locked the door, took the candy bowl and went and had myself a good cry.     

To Breed or Not to Breed

The older I get the more reflecting I do.  I think about the fact that I have 5 dogs and 1 child.  I try to figure out why I'm not more maternal and what the benefits are to having a lot of children.  I think I've figured it all out.  Therefore...

Here are the 3 reasons why people should have kids:* 

When they turn 17 they can drive to the convenience store and pick you up ice cream.

When they turn 18 they can drive to the convenience store and pick you up ice cream and cigarettes.

When they turn 21 they can drive to the convenience store, pick you up ice cream and cigarettes and then head over to the liquor store and pick you up a couple of limes and some Belvedere.

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My daughter once said to me the following - "Be nice to me, I'm picking your nursing home."

See what I mean?

*These reasons apply to residents of New Jersey.  Please check the driving, drinking and tobacco purchasing age restrictions in your state before applying.

Penny for your Thoughts

Have you seen these commercials about sponsoring a child in a third world country for just pennies a day?  Can someone please explain to me how this works?  Say you sponsor a little girl and say she has 11 brothers and sisters.  What happens if she’s the only one that’s sponsored?  How do the volunteers handle that?  Do they hand the little girl a baloney sandwich in front of the other kids and shrug their shoulders? Is that what they do?  I’m not trying to sound cold.  I’m just confused.  

Gimme a Head with Hair

I don’t consider myself a hermit.  I have a job where I work outside the house and I go out fairly frequently on the weekends.  My husband and I also have a lot of friends and entertain a lot.  

So just a quick observation and question:

I recently went to a head banger concert and noticed that most of the audience consisted of several thousand non-age specific men with really, really long hair and it got me to thinking.  Where do these people go during the day?

How Much Is That?

Vets are taking complete advantage of the fact that we have all lost our minds.  We will pay anything for the well-being of our dogs.

When I grew up we always had a dog in the house but I hardly ever recall my father taking one of them to the vet, except to have them put to sleep that is.  And the only reason he did that was because I went with him to be sure he didn’t drop the dog off on the side of the highway.     

I took one of my greyhounds to the vet a few years back to have a dental cleaning.  Was this something that anyone would have even CONSIDERED 10 years ago?  My dogs get better dental care than I do.  I brush their teeth every morning.  And in case you’re counting, that’s 5 sets of teeth I’m brushing.  6 if you count mine. 

I was told my dog, Kira, needed to have 8 teeth pulled and a root canal.  Root canal for a dog!  I’m 51 years old and I’ve never had a root canal.  I just got my first crown last year. 

The tech came into the examining room and gave me the estimate for the dental work.  The low estimate was $1,825.43 and the high estimate was $2,594.60 depending on what needed to be done.  I had to look real close to make sure it was a dental estimate and not one to have a deck put on my house.  The dental assistant attempted to explain what all of the charges were for, but I confess my eyes had started to glaze over and I didn’t hear a word she said. 

She proceeded to tell me that I was paying for a board certified dental veterinarian.  When I explained that I didn’t want to pay for his student loans, she told me that I was under no obligation to stay.  Boy, it was a good thing she cleared that up for me.  I collected my dog and attempted to leave, but learned I was still responsible to pay $267 for the “consultation."