Workin 9 to 5

When you’ve worked in an office as long as I have, certain things start to annoy you.  I made up a list of my favorites:

1)      Do not have “gift” collections that request a specific amount of money.  Send the request anonymously as follows:  Place an envelope in a folder and attach a list of people you wish to extort money from.  As each person receives the folder, they will cross their name off and pass the folder on after they have decided if they want to contribute or not.  Your name will be last on the list which means that when you receive the folder back, what is collected is what you should spend on the gift, unless you want to use your own money.  This also means that as much as you want to, you don’t get to go out and spend $250 on a gift for a VP, who already earns more money then I will ever see in a lifetime, and then ask me for $25.  If someone steals the money from the envelope, let this be a lesson to you.  We’re all strapped for cash.  Stop sending around requests for money. 

2)      Keep “sob story” money requests to a minimum.  I’m sorry that Betty didn’t have flood insurance on her house when the rains came, but I can’t be all things to all people.

3)      If you have cold sores or herpes please don’t come into my work space and use my phone.  As much as I’d like some time off, I don’t want your cooties.

4)      Dress appropriately.  Just because the company allows denim doesn’t mean you should come in wearing ripped jeans and matching t-shirt, looking like you just rolled out of your hamper.

5)      If I am foolish enough to ask you if you want something when I run out for lunch, volunteer the money up front.  I’m your co-worker, not an ATM and frankly when I quit this job, I’m not going to remember your name, so know that I’m not doing this because I like you.  I had a momentary lapse in judgment.

6)      If you don’t wish to contribute to the monthly birthday cake collection, no one will think less of you.  We think less of you when you show up and eat the cake. 

7)      If your kids go out trick or treating and collect enough candy to give diabetes to a small nation, leave it home.  There’s no need for me to get fat. 

8)      Stop coming in late.  Work the hours you’re supposed to like the rest of us so you don’t have to make up your time during off hours when the phones aren’t ringing.

9)      Please don’t stop by my cubicle when I’m busy to tell me about the adorable thing your child/grandchild did.  Please take a look at my desk.  I have pictures of dogs for a reason.  And you’re interrupting me. 

10)  If you drink heavily at lunch, don’t answer the phone when you come back to the office.  We’re tired of hearing you page yourself to answer the call on line 1.

Cut this out and stick it on your wall.  Add to it as annoying people do more annoying things.