Neither a Painter or a Beggar Be

Several months back, my husband and I were interviewing painters for what would be the final leg of a major construction project we were undergoing in our house.  One painter in particular was very impressive; however his work was primarily scenery; mostly landscapes, and not something we were looking for at that moment in time.  He was an artiste; we were looking for someone to slap yellow paint on our kitchen walls and call it a day.  When he e-mailed me his quote, I sent him a heartfelt reply, declining politely, yet telling him how beautiful his work was and that when the time came, I would be looking to utilize his services for our master bedroom.

I waited and waited but I got no response from him.  Not a thank you, screw you, nothing.  At least not for a few weeks.

Imagine my surprise when I opened my e-mail one pleasant morning only to find a plea from Rembrandt.  It seems he was running in a 5K race to benefit something or other and wanted to know what dollar amount he could expect to receive from me as a donation.  Who wants to guess how much I sent?

I received three identical e-mail requests from him before they finally stopped for good. 

Is this standard practice nowadays?  Because as far as I’m concerned it’s just bad business. 

The next contractor who wants my “address” is getting the one that hangs over my front door.  And if they’re too young to know what a stamp is, I’ll contract some old fart who does. 

At this point, I wouldn’t hire that guy to paint my toenails.

The High Price of Dog Food

My husband and I have five big greyhounds.  Roughly translated, that means there’s a lot of poop in our yard.  Three of our five big pooping greyhounds like to eat poop.  While we appreciate their willingness to help with the poop scooping, we'd prefer it if they let us handle it ourselves.

Do you know there's a product on the market that's made especially to deter dogs from eating poop?  Isn't that amazing?  From what I understand, it's sort of like a spice that you sprinkle on your dog's food that will make their poop taste bad. Doesn't it taste bad enough on its own?

Have you ever had a dog that ate its own poop?  Or another dog’s poop?  It's not pleasant.  But if that wasn't bad enough, what's worse is the lengths my husband will go to to discuss each dog’s gastronomical adventures with them.     

This is the conversation I hear from the mud room:

“Did you have any Appiturds today?”

No response.

“How did you like your Hor Turds?” 

No response. 

“Was the Crapparoni to your liking?”

No response.

No response.

What I wouldn’t give to live on a deserted island.

Hooray For Hollywood

Why is it that every Hollywood actress is considered beautiful?  I mean really; some of them are downright homely.  And I’m not talking about when the paparazzi catch them hanging their clothes out on the line and have no makeup on either.  I’m talking about when they’re wearing designer gowns, draped with expensive jewelry at gala events.  I’m talking dressed-up ugly. 

Cameron Diaz is not an attractive woman.  She has a square face and a big forehead.  Geena Davis is also homely, even with her mouth shut.  Scarlett Johansson?  Great actress; ugly woman.  How come no one can say that?  I mean, I don’t expect the media to go out of their way to call someone ugly, I just want them to stop saying these women are beautiful.  They’re not.  And no matter how much plastic surgery they have, it’s not gonna change. 

So to all you ugly Hollywood actresses out there who are contemplating elective surgery to enhance your looks, forget it.  Leave the mole where it is. 

And aren’t there just some male stars out there that you know women will watch no matter what they’re starring in just because we think they’re hot?  I’m like that with Keanu Reeves.  But I have to confess I have to watch him with the sound off.  Is it me or is he just plain awful?  How does he get work?  He sounds retarded.  If I was lousy at my job, I’d be unemployed. How come Hollywood actors get to be awful? 

My guess is he has pictures of some famous Hollywood director with a goat.

Just The Facts, Ma'am

Why is it that when famous politicians, celebrities or sports figures die in an unexpected accident, and there are other non-famous people involved who also lost their lives in the tragedy, the other people’s names are never revealed?   

The news people will say something like “Brad Pitt was killed today when his twin engine plane crashed into the mountains in Switzerland.  9 other people including the pilot were on board.”  Why aren’t the other 9 people mentioned by name?  Aren’t they important too?  Surely someone must think so.

And if they’re not newsworthy, why doesn’t the newscaster just be honest and say what he’s really thinking?  “Brad Pitt was killed today when his twin engine plane crashed into the mountains in Switzerland.  We think there were other people on board, but we're not checking.  If we gave you their names and life history, you’d switch to the Family Guy.  And frankly we control the news and we don't care.  So there.  Hey Ernie, how about those Knicks?"

The Decline of American Civilization

I know why foreigners hate us.  Dogs in strollers.  Doesn’t this strike anyone else as over-indulgent, ridiculous nonsense?

It was August and I was at an animal rescue event promoting greyhound rescue.  It was probably 120° in the shade when I spotted this old coot pushing two small dogs in a stroller.  The grass was on an incline and I could see the old guy’s face turning beet red as he huffed and puffed; struggling to push two dogs with 8 healthy legs between them, up a hill.  I thought for sure he was going to have a heart attack right in front of my booth, which would have been bad news for him, since the vet was a little ways down and I wasn’t leaving my tent.

But imagine my surprise when just a few moments later a woman walked by pushing a stroller made for triplets with a healthy pug in each seat.

I tried to snap a picture of her but a man in lipstick and mini skirt pushing his wheelchair bound father, also in a dress, got in my way.

You Don't Look At All Well

There’s only one thing worse than getting sick in my house.  And that’s getting sick in my house and hearing your husband ask you why you’re taking your temperature with a thermometer whose case is labeled “dog.”

Bill Cosby Where Are You?

I know my IQ.  I’m not a genius.  Generally speaking, I’m not an idiot either.  This allows me to tackle life’s bigger quandary’s, the mysteries of the universe if you will, the “Why am I here?” of my existence.  More specifically:  If we believe that God created man, and man created ovens, then why can’t I cook?

The year was 1985 and I was attempting to make a Chocolate-Jello cake.  The recipe on the box had explicit ‘cake-making’ directions in terms of required ingredients and baking instructions.  After the cake was completely cooked, the recipe said that I should set the cake aside and let it cool.  When cooled, I was to slice it lengthwise and add the Jello.   

I prepared and baked the cake as required and set it aside to cool.  At that point I dissolved the Jello in water, poured it in a pan and popped it in the oven.

I’ve checked it every 10 minutes for the past 28 years but it’s still not done.  It looks like it’s getting there though.   The only problem is I had to throw the cake out in 1994 because it was starting to get a little stale. 

God Bless You

Have you heard of this miracle product called Cold Eze?  Its claim to fame is that in clinical studies its proprietary formula has been shown to actually REDUCE the length and severity of your cold.

That’s amazing isn’t it? 

I just have a few questions.    

Isn’t the length and severity of your cold something you don’t know until after it’s over?  How can they, the makers of Cold Eze claim, with a straight face, that Cold Eze will reduce a cold by half its normal duration?  How does the average cold sufferer know that it wasn’t only going to last that long in the first place?  Furthermore, how can Mr. Eze claim that his product will lessen the patient’s symptoms?  Is he claiming that the average person should be able to predict ahead of time what his symptoms would have been if they didn’t take it in the first place?

Doesn’t it seem like Mr. Eze is giving the human race a lot more credit than he should?  

What’s probably closer to the truth is that Mr. Eze is banking on the utter stupidity, ignorance and complete buffoonery of the general public at large.  I would know; my husband bought the stuff.

I’d love to read the notes of the clinical trials:

“Patient A presents with a cold.  I gave him Cold Eze.  On his follow up he said his cold lasted 4 days, he sneezed 37 times and had a fever of 102°.  I told him his cold would have lasted 8 days, he would have sneezed 74 times and had a fever of 204°.  Patient was delighted.  Medical conclusion:  Cold Eze works miracles.”

I tried to reach Mr. Eze for confirmation but they told me he'd been out sick for over a week.