Sue Me? Sue You!

I know we live in a litigious society but isn’t there a limit?

During the Christmas holiday I was watching a commercial with Santa Claus in it.  I noticed a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen that said it was an actor playing a part.  I kept waiting for the punch line until I realized it was a serious commercial. 

I thought to myself, was that really necessary?  Are there that many people out there who would sue an automobile dealership because they erroneously believed Kris Kringle was going to fly their new car down their chimney?      

Clothed and Dangerous

My husband told me about a new reality show he just started watching called Naked and Afraid.  Gee, I wonder what caught his eye.

Let me give you the overall premise of the show.  Two people, a man and a woman, dropped in a remote, seemingly uninhabitable, dangerous location where they have to survive for 21 days.  They have to forage for food and devise crude shelter from the elements.  Naturally, there are poisonous snakes, spiders and every other vile creature indigenous to the area.  Each participant is allowed to choose one item to bring with them. The only time I watched the show the woman had a cup and the man had a pocket knife.  How WILL they survive?

Oh, and they’re naked.  Other than the obvious appeal to men, I’m not really sure what this adds to the difficulty of their journey.  I know it didn’t do anything  for me because first of all, all they show you is a lot of ass and since I already see plenty of that at the grocery store, it held no interest for me.   Secondly, the 40ish man had a few more spare tires than I cared to look at.  The 22 year old girl must have felt the same way because she appeared unconcerned with amoebic dysentery, snake bites or starvation because she immediately began fashioning clothes for her companion from reeds and leaves.  I’m surprised she didn’t borrow the pocket knife and gouge her eyes out. 

I don’t care for reality shows in general, especially survival ones like these because of the presence of the film crew recording their every move.  In a society where people sue McDonald’s because they’re too stupid to know that they shouldn’t put scalding coffee in their crotches, are we expected to believe that these people are in any REAL danger?  When the beleaguered contestants are "foraging for food," what exactly is the crew doing?  And where are they sleeping and eating?  On the episode I watched, it was supposedly 9 days before "Adam" and "Eve" had anything to eat.  And all they caught was a tiny snake that was able to sustain them for a few more days.  Am I expected to believe this?  What do you want to bet there’s a Sheraton pretty close by every “uninhabitable” location where the camera and lighting guys hang out after they’re done hiding rib eye steaks in the trees and Pellegrino under rocks in the river.  And the crew is probably eating Jerk Chicken, poolside, while they watch these two nuts on 24 hour web cams in case something goes wrong.  Because my guess is if any of these “survivalists” gets in any real trouble, they’d be whisked out of there before you can say “Who Wants To Be A 

Millionaire.”    

Frankly I think all these shows are a bunch of hogwash.  You want a real naked survival test?  Try taking a walk down the nude beach in Sandy Hook, NJ without laughing.  Or if you’d rather have a challenge with your clothes on, drive the New Jersey Turnpike on a Friday afternoon in the summer without flipping someone off.

A Veritable Plethora of Nonsense

Sometimes I fear I’m going to run out of things to post.  Then I remember who I’m married to.

My husband called me from work the other day to tell me he had something for me to blog about.  This from a man who not only doesn’t read what I write, but couldn’t tell anyone the name of my blog if his life depended on it.  Apparently he just likes the "notoriety."  I didn’t have the heart to tell him my readership is approximately 4 people.

I asked him what he had.

He told me he went to work wearing two different sneakers.  He thought it was a riot. 

And I was afraid I might run out of material.

    

You Are Being Watched

Am I to understand that Americans are really that upset over the government’s supposed spying on us?  Is this such a cause for concern that people are actually up in arms about it?  Really?  Wow.  If you ask me, there are a lot of narcissistic people out there with not only too much time on their hands, but with too high an opinion of themselves if they believe that they hold more than just some casual interest to the government.  I think people are seriously overthinking this.

Does the government even have the man power to watch EACH and EVERY ONE of us?  In 2006 there were over 22,600,000 Americans over the age of 18.  How many government employees are there out there who are charged with keeping tabs on all of us?  I hope there are at least 10,000 so that each one of them only has a case load of about 2,260 people each.  Perhaps this should be outsourced overseas because it seems like the United States government might lack the resources to watch a group this big.  

Realistically speaking, I’m thinking there must be some kind of “trigger” in peoples activity that prompts a government agent to begin looking into their activity.  I say, good.

But are there that many people out there afraid that what they’re doing on line might be watched?  Frankly, if the government wants to look at my bank accounts, read my e-mails and see what I’m watching on TV, they can be my guest.  I’m pretty sure the joke would be on them when they find that the raciest thing I put in an e-mail is that my husband sometimes doesn’t have clean underwear and I regularly dream about an old boyfriend with a perm.  Oh and that I’m a religious viewer of I Dream of Jeannie.   After half an hour of looking into my finances and on line activity they would learn that I’m ridiculously cheap and routinely put birthday hats on pictures of my dogs using Martha Stewarts latest photo app on my iPad.  Uh oh, now I’m on the No Fly List.      

I’m wondering if the proper concern for these people isn’t that the government IS watching them but rather that the government has the CAPABILITY to watch them.  I’m all for it either way.  If you don’t have anything to hide, you don’t have anything to worry about, and frankly, unless you’re doing something shady, more than likely no one is checking into anything you’re doing anyhow.  And if someone is out there doing something deserving of some scrutiny, then like I said, I’m all for it.  If the government can access the computer of just one madman and stop him before he acts, that’s OK in my book.

In fact, not only do I agree with it, I’d like to apply for a job doing it.  But I don’t know if I want to move to Mumbai. 

World War I Don't Think So

Have you seen the previews for the new summer blockbuster World War Z?  I did.  In one clip I heard someone refer to Brad Pitt’s character as Jerry. 

Brad Pitt is not a Jerry; just like he’s not a Buford, an Ernie or a Wilfred.  If he were born a Wilfred he and his wife would be called Wagnes instead of Brangelina because for sure Angelina Jolie wouldn’t have looked at him twice.  

Tom Cruise is also not a Jerry, aka Jerry Maguire.  He’s a lunatic, but he’s not a Jerry. 

The name Jerry is reserved for silly looking, comedic Jerry-types like Lewis, Springer and Seinfeld.  If Jerry Lewis had been born with the name Joe, he’d have done a lot fewer telethons and been cast as Prince Charming instead of Cinderfella.   He also would have gotten all the women and Dilbert Martin would have been on the outside looking in. 

Only certain people can play a Jerry.  Paul Giamatti could be a Jerry.  So could Ty Burrell.  Brad Pitt is not a Jerry. 

If Jerry was Brad Pitt’s name at birth, things would have worked out a lot different for him in movies.  Thelma and Louise would have driven over the side of the cliff with him strapped to their bumper.

Finally, Some Good News

On my way home from work one night I heard the man on the radio proudly proclaim that the United States was no longer the most obese nation on earth.  I was so overjoyed that I put down my Whopper with extra pickles and clapped. 

Want to know what the most obese nation is?  Mexico.  I couldn’t believe it either but it’s true. 

The man on the radio cautioned that we shouldn’t be too overjoyed since the United States was a close second.  I don’t care, at least we’re not at the top of the fat category anymore.  We’re always either ranking first for something bad or last for something good, like education.  But at least in this one particular race, Mexico has us beat with a fat rate of 32.8% for adults.  That’s right, half.

You would think that a nation of people continuously trying to hop the fence to the United States would be a lot leaner.

Not So Broadway Bound

My daughter and I got parts in a play at a local theater in town.  It was a highly prestigious honor to be cast in the Neil Simon show, for our selection was based not only on our extensive theatrical background but by the fact that we both showed up for the audition.  And had pulses.  In fact, all 6 of us in attendance that night were told we had parts and furthermore, did we know of anyone else who would be willing to give up 5 weeks of their lives to perform a two hour show 6 times?  The lack of casting criteria explained why the woman I have several scenes with is old, has difficulty remembering her lines and periodically breaks wind on the set.  Clearly she had her Screen Actors Guild card revoked right after the advent of the Talkies.  I am doing my best to memorize my lines as well as hers so I can scream them to her during live performances.

The leading man, on the other hand, is a pimply faced, overweight young man in his mid to late 30s.  What he lacks in theatrical ability he makes up for by yelling a lot.  And the fact that he’s overweight will add a much needed comedic element when I deliver my line to him that he’s ‘overwrought, overworked and underweight.’  I asked the Director if I could pat him on the belly and roll my eyes.  She seemed fine with it.  The young man didn’t appear amused.    

When we did the first read through I learned that my daughter, who plays the young man’s dead wife who appears in his subconscious, had a kissing scene with him.  When I spoke to her after rehearsal one night, I found that she was equally as aghast at the prospect of kissing her cast mate.  She said she would speak to the Director about it.   At rehearsal a few nights later I watched as the kissing scene loomed large.  At last the moment arrived.  I was surprised to find that the two merely shared a hug, a pat on the back and a cordial parting.  It’s a good thing, otherwise I was going to tell my daughter that she was no longer welcome to use my drinking glasses. 

I'm still perplexed as to what to do if my counterpart breaks wind during any or all of our scenes.  Most recently I have adopted the practice of devising a gassy “work-around” so as not to be caught off guard should she fire away at any crucial moment in our scenes.  

It may smell, but the show must go on.

Sans Undies

I got the call every woman dreads.

My husband Jack phoned me at work to tell me he wasn’t wearing underwear.  I could hardly contain my excitement. 

When I asked him why not, he said it was because he couldn’t find any clean ones. 

I explained to him that, while I didn’t mind doing the laundry, I was not inventory control and that if he didn’t tell me he was running low I wouldn’t know to do a load.  I told him to remind me that night and I would see to it he had clean drawers.....

The next day my husband Jack phoned me at work to tell me he wasn’t wearing underwear.  It seems he forgot to remind me about it the night before. 

I told him that when he got home I was going to introduce him to the big, white, rectangular, metal box in the room off the kitchen, and he could keep his pornographic phone calls to himself.

This is the stuff they don’t tell you about before you say I Do.

Popular Adage Dismissed

In the early 90’s I worked for a small company that used outside storage units to store old literature.  One day, they assembled a team of us to go to the storage unit to take inventory.  After a long day of counting we packed up to leave. 

On the way out of the facility I noticed a young man standing in his storage unit.  Sticking my head out the window of my co-workers car, I asked him if he had any women’s clothes he wanted to get rid of.  Had I been more astute, I would have realized that the poor guy had probably just been thrown out of wherever he lived.  The unit appeared to be filled with everything he ever owned. 

He bitterly asked me if that was all I ever thought about.  I cheerfully responded that well, yes; actually it WAS all I ever thought about. 

I don’t know what changed his attitude but the next thing I knew he walked up to the car and handed me a tee shirt.  His only comment was that his brother worked for the company.  He turned and walked away. 

To this day I still have that tee shirt and more than 20 years later, it is still one of the best tee shirts I have ever owned. 

The front says ‘What’s the Most Popular Form of National Defense” and the back is an ad for Trojan Brand Condoms. 

So you see, you don’t have to beware of strangers bearing gifts.

What you have to watch out for is when your 9 year old daughter borrows your clothes.

Look What I Didn't Find

           I don’t like it when people make me feel really, really stupid. 

Back in the 80’s when I was married to my first husband Scott, or as I affectionately refer to him, Bachelor #1, I was consumed with personal safety.  Ex-Scott worked late hours so if I went anywhere with my daughter, when I returned home I would search my entire house from top to bottom looking for hiding burglars. 

Upon returning home after an evening out with ex-Scott, I began my usual search of the house.  When he asked me what I was doing, I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable unless I searched the house to be sure there was no one hiding in it.  I further explained that it was a ritual I performed religiously each and every time I returned home.

He laughed and asked me what I was going to do if I ever found somebody. 

           Ha ha ha.  I hadn't thought of that.

           As it turns out, that holds up in court.