Not So Broadway Bound

My daughter and I got parts in a play at a local theater in town.  It was a highly prestigious honor to be cast in the Neil Simon show, for our selection was based not only on our extensive theatrical background but by the fact that we both showed up for the audition.  And had pulses.  In fact, all 6 of us in attendance that night were told we had parts and furthermore, did we know of anyone else who would be willing to give up 5 weeks of their lives to perform a two hour show 6 times?  The lack of casting criteria explained why the woman I have several scenes with is old, has difficulty remembering her lines and periodically breaks wind on the set.  Clearly she had her Screen Actors Guild card revoked right after the advent of the Talkies.  I am doing my best to memorize my lines as well as hers so I can scream them to her during live performances.

The leading man, on the other hand, is a pimply faced, overweight young man in his mid to late 30s.  What he lacks in theatrical ability he makes up for by yelling a lot.  And the fact that he’s overweight will add a much needed comedic element when I deliver my line to him that he’s ‘overwrought, overworked and underweight.’  I asked the Director if I could pat him on the belly and roll my eyes.  She seemed fine with it.  The young man didn’t appear amused.    

When we did the first read through I learned that my daughter, who plays the young man’s dead wife who appears in his subconscious, had a kissing scene with him.  When I spoke to her after rehearsal one night, I found that she was equally as aghast at the prospect of kissing her cast mate.  She said she would speak to the Director about it.   At rehearsal a few nights later I watched as the kissing scene loomed large.  At last the moment arrived.  I was surprised to find that the two merely shared a hug, a pat on the back and a cordial parting.  It’s a good thing, otherwise I was going to tell my daughter that she was no longer welcome to use my drinking glasses. 

I'm still perplexed as to what to do if my counterpart breaks wind during any or all of our scenes.  Most recently I have adopted the practice of devising a gassy “work-around” so as not to be caught off guard should she fire away at any crucial moment in our scenes.  

It may smell, but the show must go on.