Is This Wrong?

Consider the following lyrics:

“Imagine no possessions

I wonder if you can.

No need for greed or hunger

A brotherhood of man.

Imagine all the people, sharing all the world.

You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

I hope someday you’ll join us, and the world will be as one.”

John Lennon 1940-1980

“Sister Suzy, Brother John, Uncle Ernie, Phil and Don

Uncle Michael, Auntie Gin, open the door, let em in….

Someone’s knocking at the door, somebody’s ringing the bell, someone’s knocking at the door, somebody’s ringing the bell.  Do me a favor, open the door and let ‘em in.”

Paul McCartney.  1943 – Present.

I’m not trying to offend anybody here but is it possible that Mark David Chapman got that backwards?

And it Makes Me Wonder

If Pfizer, Bristol-Myers and Johnson & Johnson all merged, would they be called P, B & J?  Just something I was wondering about.

Do I Know You?

I was driving to work the other day and it occurred to me that you can tell everything in the world about someone just by reading the back of their car. 

Here’s what you can find out:

Their profession

Their religion

How many kids they have

Their kid’s names

What sports they play

What charities they donate to

Where they spent their vacation

What their other car is

Their nationality 

If their kids are smart

What sports their kids play

If their kid is a cheerleader

What animals they rescue

What their hobbies are

What sports team they like

What university they attended

Their favorite rock band

What radio station they listen to

If they carry a gun

If there are any children in the car

If they lost someone on 9/11

If they are a union member

What diseases they have

It’s endless.

But strike up a conversation with someone in line at the supermarket and you’re a weirdo.

Boobies Here, Boobies There, Boobies, Boobies Everywhere

I was listening to a debate on talk radio the other night and the topic was whether or not it’s acceptable to breast feed in public.  Frankly I don’t like it.  One of the arguments “For” is that it’s a natural biological function.  Is that supposed to make it OK?  Because the last time I checked, going to the bathroom was a natural biological function too, but I’m pretty sure there are laws on the books prohibiting public urination. 

So why the double standard?  Is it because of the innocent association with babies or because the law makers are men and there are boobies involved?

Many years ago I was at a friend’s house and she asked me if I minded if she breast fed her daughter.  It was her house; what was I going to do, tell her no?  So I said, “sure, it doesn’t bother me.”  Now, my friend sports 40 DD’s on a non post-pregnancy day.  I don't think I can estimate how big this thing was.  All I can say is that when she whipped that thing out it was like a cannon engulfed the room.  I didn’t know where to look. 

It made me blush that day almost 30 years ago, and I feel certain that I wouldn’t need to witness it, 30 years later, at Motor Vehicles.     

An Apple a Day

You know what I’m sick to death of hearing about:  Kids who have ADHD.  As far as I’m concerned, they don’t have a medical condition, they’re just bored, overindulged kids with ‘non- parenting’ parents who either can’t or won’t discipline them.  And the kids know it too.  There’s no such thing as giving your kid a firm swat on the butt anymore.  You can’t.  If you do, you’ll be brought up on charges because your five year old has DYFS on speed dial on his Smartphone. 

Instead, we have the ridiculously inefficient disciplining tool called ‘Time Out.’  And when that doesn’t work, the parents load the kids into the Cadillac SUV and haul them off to the doctor’s office for evaluation.  The doctors, who wouldn’t dream of telling the parents to discipline their kids, have instead created an entire disease state dedicated to this ‘condition’ and simply write prescriptions.  The parents, in turn, can then medicate the little offenders into a drug induced coma.  It’s an epidemic I tell you. 

And if that wasn’t enough, the other day I was reading about something called ODD.  If you haven’t heard about this doozy, I’ll fill you in.  ODD stands for Oppositional Defiant Disorder which I take to mean ‘Child will behave opposite of how you want them to.’  This isn’t a disorder, this is a disobedient child and boy did my father have the cure for that.  I believe the Latin term for ODD is Rottenbrattius Wontlistenus Nincompoopus. 

The day parents were told they could no longer hit their children because it was bad for their self esteem was the day it all went down the drain.  If I were a doctor I'd write the following on my prescription pad:  Hit Daily or as Needed. 

‘Time Out’ indeed.  Whatever happened to ‘Teeth Out?’ 

I fear for the next generation.      

Brave New World

Here’s my definition of 21^st century irony in the workplace.  The other day a Puerto Rican woman I work with was complaining about all of the Indians.

Lofty Aspirations

Here’s the job I want:  naming nail polish colors.  Ladies have you seen this?  The last time I was at the Salon waiting for the nice Chinese lady to ring me up, I started to look at the nail polish on the counter. 

I noticed that a certain brand had colors in a series.  One series was obviously “French” because the individual polish names were ‘A Oui Bit of Red’, ‘Bastille My Heart’ and ‘I’m Fondue of You.’  Isn’t that clever?   

What I want to know is; what are the qualifications for this job?  Do you need a college education or would attending a frat party be enough?  Because personally, I think I could be good at it. 

I’d like to do a series called Medical Afflictions.  I’d have a shade of orange called ‘Clogged Arteries,’ a nice shade of blue called ‘Erectile Dysfunction’ and a soft shade of purple called ‘Kidney Stones.’  Now that’s clever!

Hey Jerry, I've Got Something For You

Have you looked in the oral hygiene aisle in the supermarket lately?  Choosing a husband is easier than picking toothpaste.  It’s amazing.  The choices are endless:

Iso-active whitening

Antibacterial dry mouth

Enamel Strength

Enamel Shield – Protection Against Acid Attack

Pro Health – Night

Essential Care

Multi Benefit

Multicare Whitening

Total Whitening Gel

Total Whitening Paste

Age Defying

Fluoride and Liquid Calcium

Whitening Booster

Training Toothpaste

Baking Soda and Peroxide

Baking Soda and Peroxide Whitening – Oxygen Bubbles – In two great flavors    

Advanced Fresh

Advanced Whitening

Gentle Whitening

Extra Whitening

Tartar Control plus Whitening

Tartar Protection Whitening

Fresh Impact

Full Protection and Whitening

Triple Protection - Healthy Gums-Strong Teeth-Fresh Breath

2x Whitening

Whitening Plus Scope – Three great flavors

Sparkling White – Two great flavors

Luminous Enamel Strengthening – Two great flavors

Mint Strip Gel

Clean Mint Paste

Max White Mini Bright Strips

Max Fresh with Mini Breath Strips

Whitening Expressions – Six great flavors

Brilliant Sparkle

I don’t know about you but I think there’s something wrong with a society that has more choices of toothpaste than the South has teeth. 

There were more but I was getting a lot of dirty looks because I was blocking up the aisle writing down the names of toothpaste. 

If the old Seinfeld cast gets together to do a reunion movie I have the perfect topic.

The Marrying Kind

Here’s the advice I give my daughter on men and marriage.  Marry a geek.  It’s the geeks that rule the world.  Bill Gates was NOT the Captain of the football team.

Workin 9 to 5

When you’ve worked in an office as long as I have, certain things start to annoy you.  I made up a list of my favorites:

1)      Do not have “gift” collections that request a specific amount of money.  Send the request anonymously as follows:  Place an envelope in a folder and attach a list of people you wish to extort money from.  As each person receives the folder, they will cross their name off and pass the folder on after they have decided if they want to contribute or not.  Your name will be last on the list which means that when you receive the folder back, what is collected is what you should spend on the gift, unless you want to use your own money.  This also means that as much as you want to, you don’t get to go out and spend $250 on a gift for a VP, who already earns more money then I will ever see in a lifetime, and then ask me for $25.  If someone steals the money from the envelope, let this be a lesson to you.  We’re all strapped for cash.  Stop sending around requests for money. 

2)      Keep “sob story” money requests to a minimum.  I’m sorry that Betty didn’t have flood insurance on her house when the rains came, but I can’t be all things to all people.

3)      If you have cold sores or herpes please don’t come into my work space and use my phone.  As much as I’d like some time off, I don’t want your cooties.

4)      Dress appropriately.  Just because the company allows denim doesn’t mean you should come in wearing ripped jeans and matching t-shirt, looking like you just rolled out of your hamper.

5)      If I am foolish enough to ask you if you want something when I run out for lunch, volunteer the money up front.  I’m your co-worker, not an ATM and frankly when I quit this job, I’m not going to remember your name, so know that I’m not doing this because I like you.  I had a momentary lapse in judgment.

6)      If you don’t wish to contribute to the monthly birthday cake collection, no one will think less of you.  We think less of you when you show up and eat the cake. 

7)      If your kids go out trick or treating and collect enough candy to give diabetes to a small nation, leave it home.  There’s no need for me to get fat. 

8)      Stop coming in late.  Work the hours you’re supposed to like the rest of us so you don’t have to make up your time during off hours when the phones aren’t ringing.

9)      Please don’t stop by my cubicle when I’m busy to tell me about the adorable thing your child/grandchild did.  Please take a look at my desk.  I have pictures of dogs for a reason.  And you’re interrupting me. 

10)  If you drink heavily at lunch, don’t answer the phone when you come back to the office.  We’re tired of hearing you page yourself to answer the call on line 1.

Cut this out and stick it on your wall.  Add to it as annoying people do more annoying things.

Trick or What?

I vote we should ban Halloween.  It’s gotten completely out of control. 

It used to be that cute little kids, in cute little costumes would come up to your door and sheepishly ask for treats in their cute little voices.  Then they said ‘Thank you.’ And wasn’t 12 the mandatory cut off age for trick or treating?  Nowadays, the sky's the limit. 

Today, the cute little kids have been replaced with criminals carrying Hefty bags.  It’s obvious that they’re making no attempt whatsoever at wearing a costume.  Honest to God, one kid came to my door dressed in an orange prison jumpsuit with the town name on his back.  I handed him 9 candy bars, my laptop, my mega millions lottery ticket and begged him to leave me alone.  Then I raced to the TV to check for his face on the 6:00 news. 

Another young girl had on a cheerleaders costume and had the most enormous boobs I have seen in recent years.  I was so disgusted I shut out the front light, locked the door, took the candy bowl and went and had myself a good cry.     

To Breed or Not to Breed

The older I get the more reflecting I do.  I think about the fact that I have 5 dogs and 1 child.  I try to figure out why I'm not more maternal and what the benefits are to having a lot of children.  I think I've figured it all out.  Therefore...

Here are the 3 reasons why people should have kids:* 

When they turn 17 they can drive to the convenience store and pick you up ice cream.

When they turn 18 they can drive to the convenience store and pick you up ice cream and cigarettes.

When they turn 21 they can drive to the convenience store, pick you up ice cream and cigarettes and then head over to the liquor store and pick you up a couple of limes and some Belvedere.

-----------------------------------------------

My daughter once said to me the following - "Be nice to me, I'm picking your nursing home."

See what I mean?

*These reasons apply to residents of New Jersey.  Please check the driving, drinking and tobacco purchasing age restrictions in your state before applying.

Penny for your Thoughts

Have you seen these commercials about sponsoring a child in a third world country for just pennies a day?  Can someone please explain to me how this works?  Say you sponsor a little girl and say she has 11 brothers and sisters.  What happens if she’s the only one that’s sponsored?  How do the volunteers handle that?  Do they hand the little girl a baloney sandwich in front of the other kids and shrug their shoulders? Is that what they do?  I’m not trying to sound cold.  I’m just confused.  

Gimme a Head with Hair

I don’t consider myself a hermit.  I have a job where I work outside the house and I go out fairly frequently on the weekends.  My husband and I also have a lot of friends and entertain a lot.  

So just a quick observation and question:

I recently went to a head banger concert and noticed that most of the audience consisted of several thousand non-age specific men with really, really long hair and it got me to thinking.  Where do these people go during the day?

How Much Is That?

Vets are taking complete advantage of the fact that we have all lost our minds.  We will pay anything for the well-being of our dogs.

When I grew up we always had a dog in the house but I hardly ever recall my father taking one of them to the vet, except to have them put to sleep that is.  And the only reason he did that was because I went with him to be sure he didn’t drop the dog off on the side of the highway.     

I took one of my greyhounds to the vet a few years back to have a dental cleaning.  Was this something that anyone would have even CONSIDERED 10 years ago?  My dogs get better dental care than I do.  I brush their teeth every morning.  And in case you’re counting, that’s 5 sets of teeth I’m brushing.  6 if you count mine. 

I was told my dog, Kira, needed to have 8 teeth pulled and a root canal.  Root canal for a dog!  I’m 51 years old and I’ve never had a root canal.  I just got my first crown last year. 

The tech came into the examining room and gave me the estimate for the dental work.  The low estimate was $1,825.43 and the high estimate was $2,594.60 depending on what needed to be done.  I had to look real close to make sure it was a dental estimate and not one to have a deck put on my house.  The dental assistant attempted to explain what all of the charges were for, but I confess my eyes had started to glaze over and I didn’t hear a word she said. 

She proceeded to tell me that I was paying for a board certified dental veterinarian.  When I explained that I didn’t want to pay for his student loans, she told me that I was under no obligation to stay.  Boy, it was a good thing she cleared that up for me.  I collected my dog and attempted to leave, but learned I was still responsible to pay $267 for the “consultation."