The Drinks are on the Ho...use

Have you ever heard ‘The Pina Colada Song?’  If you’re not familiar with this little ditty let me fill you in.  It’s about a guy who decides to cheat on his wife after looking through the classifieds.  Let’s take a look at the lyrics: 

‘I was tired of my lady.  We’d been together too long.

Like a worn out recording of a favorite song.

So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.

And in the personal column, there was this letter I read.

If you like Pina Colada’s and getting caught in the rain

If you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain

If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape

I’m the lady you’ve looked for, write to me and escape.’

So let’s recap.  The guy is lying in bed, obviously horny, trolling the personals looking for someone to fool around with.  Isn’t that a refreshing musical concept?  You can really tap your foot to that one.  You know what I say?  No more newspapers for this guy.  That’s what I say.  Instead of reading them, he should be getting hit over the head with them.  Clearly they present too much stimulation.  I can only imagine what he’s doing on the Internet. 

And the song continues:

‘I didn’t think about my lady.  I know that sounds kind of mean.

But me and my old lady had fallen into the same old dull routine.

So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad 

And though I’m nobody’s poet, I thought it wasn’t half bad.

Yes I like Pina Colada’s and getting caught in the rain.

I’m not much into health food, I am into champagne.

I’ve got to meet you by tomorrow noon and cut through all this red tape

At a bar called O’Malley’s where we’ll plan our escape.’

Isn’t he clever?

So now we learn that the guy is so desperate to get away from the “old lady” that he places his own personal ad because he must escape the following day by noon.  Why the rush?  I mean, was the wife chasing him around the kitchen with a meat cleaver or putting itching powder in his shorts?  And all he really knows about the woman he is desperate to escape with is that she’s a horny, out of shape 

drunk who doesn’t know enough to come in out of the rain.  ‘I didn’t think about my lady – I know that sounds kind of mean.’  Kind of mean?  Really?  That’s kind of an understatement, no?  I’ll bet he doesn’t even like Pina Colada’s.  Isn’t that a girlie drink?

Moving on:

‘So I waited with high hopes then she walked in the place

I knew her smile in an instant; I knew the curve of her face.

It was my own lovely lady and she said ‘oh, it’s you.’

And we laughed for a moment and I said I never knew.’

What a twist!  It was the wife all along!  Isn’t that hysterical?  It must have been, because they laughed for a moment.

In the end what we have here are two equally deceitful cheats with such disdain for each other that they are willing to hook up with the first lunatic who answers their ad and run away with them.  But once they find out it was the other, well ho ho ho, never mind.  Frankly, they deserve each other. 

What an uplifting song.  Why it didn’t win a Grammy, I’ll never know.