I Do, I Do, I Do

I’m on my third marriage.  When people ask me how long I’ve been married, I say “to this one, or do you want an aggregate total?” 

I was told recently by a friend who had gone to marriage counseling that first marriages are now considered ‘starter marriages’ and that people really don’t know what they’re truly looking for until the third time around.  Who knew I could be such a loser and trendy all at the same time...

My first husband was Czechoslovakian.  My father used to say he was a Pollock with a job.  The day we got married I realized the reception hall was located between a Medi-Merge Emergency Hospital and a bar.  In hindsight I should have either gone to the right and gotten drunk or to the left and had my head examined.  That marriage lasted two years.

My second husband wanted to get a tattoo on his arm of the Tazmanian devil with a thought bubble over his head with my name in it.  I immediately told him not to, citing concerns over dirty needles and possible diseases.  And all the while I’m thinking ‘marriage is one thing; tattoos are forever.’ 

For our first Christmas he got me a vacuum.  A few years later on my birthday he bought me a Dirt Devil.  I can’t help but think there’s a message in there somewhere.  Actually I think it was less a comment on my housekeeping and more of a statement of his romantic side.  When I sent him out to buy stamps for our wedding invitations, he came home with the Lunar Landing.

My current husband and I went away and got married in a hotel room in Baltimore by some man the hotel recommended.  I think he was a minister; or he could have been the mayor; or maybe a ship’s captain.  He could have been a hot dog vendor at Camden Yards for all I know. 

We got married on New Year’s Eve which happened to be a Sunday that year and you can actually see the NY Giants on the TV in the background in a few pictures, because nothing screams wedded bliss like an NFL linebacker. At least our heads weren’t cut off in that shot.  Remember these words, all you soon-to-be brides, from someone who knows:  Never let the man who parks your car take your wedding pictures.