Wednesday, October 9, 2013

It's All in the Game

More on the Manning bowl.  This was the football game where Quarterback Peyton Manning of the Denver Broncos faced off against younger brother Eli, Quarterback for the New York Giants.  The siblings have met twice previously; both times the elder Manning, Peyton having emerged the victor.  All I have to say is I’d hate to be Eli on Thanksgiving at Mom and Dad’s house.

During the game, I listened to the female reporter on the sideline as she re-capped a conversation she had with Archie Manning, father to the dueling Quarterbacks about having to watch his two sons compete against each other.  The reporter said, and I quote, “Archie said it’s not easy.  He doesn’t enjoy it at all.”  Doesn’t that just break your heart? 

Maybe the millions and millions and millions of dollars his sons each make a year will help ease poor Archie’s pain.


Thursday, October 3, 2013

Crime Doesn't Pay, But the Accomodations are Great

I heard this morning on the news that the 2,300 inmates in New Jersey jails cost the taxpayers about $40,000 each.  That’s $92 million dollars a year.  I also heard that in New York, inmates cost taxpayers over $117,000 a year although they never said what the total number of inmates was. My question is this:  How well are NY criminals being treated?  Do they have unlimited pay channels, filet mignon, and spas with aroma therapy?  If I decide to pursue a life of crime I’m going to take the train into Manhattan first.

The news went on to report that a lawmaker in New Jersey is sponsoring a bill specifying that if an inmate is financially able, he should foot some if not all of the $40,000 tab himself.  How come no one thought of that sooner?  Doesn’t that make an awful lot of sense?  I don’t know who he is, but he’s getting my vote next time he runs for re-election. 

Why should hard working New Jerseyites pay to house a criminal if he’s sitting on a hefty bank account?

But I think the bill needs to go a little bit further.  I think that when a criminal is released, if he gets a job, his income should be garnished until his debt is paid in full.  Law abiding citizens pay for their  college educations for decades.  Same thing for alimony and child support.  And just try skipping out on a hospital bill.  Why should this be any different?  Why should bad people get free room and board, three squares and Home Box for years at a time?  Good people don't.

Just ask my daughter what I charged her the six months she lived with me.


Monday, September 30, 2013

The Price of Fame

I heard a while back that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would not get married until gay men and lesbians legally had the right to do so as well.  Isn’t that thoughtful? 

I’m sure that, at the time, the gay and lesbian population of California rested easier at night knowing that Brad and Angelina felt their pain.  What humanitarians.  Don’t you love people who are willing to take a stand? 

I am quite the humanitarian myself and there's nothing I love more than a good stand.  In fact, I am willing to feel Brad and Angie's pain by letting them give me a million dollars.  In fact, I would be willing to let them give a million dollars, one million at a time, to as many of us as possible so we know what it feels like to be rich.

I feel better already.

Friday, September 27, 2013

It's All Coming Back to Me Now

Football is a big deal in my house.  So are my 5 rescued greyhounds.

A few weeks back my husband Jack and I watched a game between the Denver Broncos and the New York Giants.  At half time the score was Denver 10, New York Giants 9.  My husband casually commented that Denver 10 Giants 9 was the same score at half time when the Giants met Denver in Superbowl XXI after the 1986 season.  He then announced that the Giants came back to beat Denver by a final score of 39 to 20.

Who remembers the half time score of a game played 26 years ago?  I turned to make sure Jack hadn’t just googled the information but I could see that his phone was nowhere near him.  I passed it off as nonsense and continued watching the game.  After halftime, announcer Phil Simms, Quarterback for the 1986 Giants, confirmed what Jack had just said only moments earlier.  That the Denver Broncos were leading his Giants 10 to 9 at halftime of Superbowl XXI; a game the Giants came back to win 39 to 20. 

My husband gave me an “I told you so” look and a “how ‘bout that” nod as I walked past him into the kitchen.

At that moment I saw my 13 year old greyhound Kira, who does not bark, standing outside my sliding glass doors waiting patiently to come in.  The time was 7:00.  I asked Jack what time he had let her out.  He said right after he had fed her at 6. 

It’s a good thing there wasn’t a football helmet nearby.  The final score would have been 10 blows to the head, 9 to the groin.


Monday, September 23, 2013

Daniel is Travelling Tonite on a Plane

On October 3rd 2012, a stray beagle was euthanized along with 18 other dogs at an overcrowded animal shelter in Florence, Alabama.  The animals were placed in the shelter’s gas chamber, a stainless-steel box roughly the size of a pickup truck bed.  A computer-controlled pump slowly fed carbon monoxide into the chamber once it was sealed and an operator pressed a button.  

When the animal control officer in charge of the operation returned to unlock the chamber, he found a dog waiting at the door, wagging its tail.  The other dogs were dead.  The lone surviving dog, a beagle, was named Daniel, inspired by the biblical story of Daniel, who walked out of a lion’s den unscathed. 

Volunteers immediately began looking for a new home for the dog who defied the odds.

In the meantime, Alabama lawmakers passed a law in June, 2013 banning the use of gas chambers, effective December 31. 

Just when we thought this story would have a happy ending, we learned that Daniel was flown to New Jersey where he was adopted and currently resides.

Hasn’t this poor dog suffered enough?







Monday, September 9, 2013

For Sale By Owner


I have no use for the ridiculous notion that realtors should get a percentage of my home’s sale price.

When I sold my last house in 2002 the realtor I worked with got a 3% commission.  I asked him if he would be having any open houses.  He said no.  When I pushed the issue and told him I wanted an open house, he told me I could have my own.  I told him that if my house sold as the direct result of any open house I had, he would not get his commission.  He had an open house.

11 years later I would again like to sell my house.  The realtor we spoke to, Ron, is a friend of my husband Jack’s.  I asked Ron if the current commission rate was still 3%.  I thought he was going to wet himself when he laughingly told me that it was between 5 and 6%, but as he was a friend of Jack’s, he would do it for us for 5%.  He was sure to tell me that was the same rate he charged his uncle.  

I chuckled too and laughingly told Ron that if he didn’t reduce his rate I was going to comically shop him around.  I stopped just short of hysterically telling him I thought his uncle was an idiot.  Why was he charging family anyway?  When I saw Ron look imploringly at Jack, my husband shrugged his shoulders and shook his head.  He’s been down this road with me before.

Ron told me that he could probably do it for 4% but that it would have to be an exclusive listing, i.e. he wouldn’t have to split the commission with another MLS realtor.  That would be a big benefit to lose, he cautioned, as the Multiple Listing service is a valuable tool.  I believe it is.  He also told me I could probably find someone who would do it for 3%, but “you get what you pay for” he cautioned 
again.  I smiled and nodded.   

So what is it this guy is going to do for me that warrants his receiving 5% of the sale price of my house?  Would he be doing any more or less if my house sold for $100K less?  My guess is no.  And more to the point, since my husband and I are the ones who paid for almost $100K in upgrades, not to mention the mortgage for the last 11 years, why should Ron be the one to benefit from that?  Because he needs to make an adequate living?  And as Ron himself said, the benefit one gets from having a house multiple listed is what is most important.  So what am I really losing if I find a "do nothing" realtor who will take 3% as long as my house is multiple listed?  Not much it seems. 

Realtors should get a flat fee, just like the closing attorney.  If the attorney is to be paid $10,000 regardless of whether I’m selling a mansion or a shack, why should the realtor be paid $22,500 to sell a $450,000 house when he’d get $17,500 to sell the same house if it was only worth $350,000.  

I'm thinking something in the neighborhood of $5K is reasonable.

And if a flat fee isn’t enough money for realtors to make a living on, Home Depot is always hiring. 

OK, what else do I need to fix?

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Pump It Up


Can somebody please explain to me the animosity towards Alex Rodriguez, third baseman for the NY Yankees. 

I read an article claiming that A-Rod, aka A-Roid and The Prince of Loathe is not only the most hated man in sports, but one of the most hated people in America.  Really?  He has been called a liar and a cheat.  Oh, and a rat.  Let’s not forget rat.  Across the land, the article claimed, that makes him the worst of the worst; the lowest of the low. 

Apparently, from what I am to understand, Alex is facing a year and a half suspension for his alleged involvement with a company called Biogeneis, a South Florida clinic that “allegedly” supplied him with performance-enhancing drugs.  Major League Baseball asserts that Rodriguez used and possessed numerous forms of prohibited performance-enhancing substances including Testosterone and human growth hormone.

Why do we care about this?  If a professional athlete wants to pump his own body with all manner of performance enhancing chemicals for our entertainment, I say why not.  I’d much rather see a slug fest than a pitcher’s duel any day of the week.

In other news, Michael Vick signed a one year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles for the 2013 season.  Vick could earn as much as $10 million.  

What a country.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Beware Old Age

Getting old stinks.  Getting old when you're out of shape stinks worse.

About a month or so ago, as I lifted a laundry basket, I felt a twinge in my left shoulder.  The pain has not gone away.

Yesterday morning I asked my husband to massage it for me.  I extended my arm and told him it was my triceps.  He laughed so hard he stopped massaging.  He said it was where my triceps should be.

As he turned and walked away I slapped him on the back of the head.  You know, where his hair should be.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Methuselah Less 849


I recently read about a survey where 2,000 individuals were asked the following question:  If there was a medical treatment making it attainable, would you want to live to be 120 years old? 

56% of those questioned said they would not.  But 65% of the survey participants said they thought most people would want such a treatment.  Just over half felt that living to be 120 would be bad for society, putting a strain on natural resources.  Others said the treatment most likely would only be available to the rich.  Why do people have to go there?  This was a hypothetical question; yes or no. Would you want to live to be 120 if you could?  Who said anything about the treatment only being available to the rich?  These are the people we need to weed out anyway. 

My initial reaction was a resounding YES, I’d love to live to be 120!  I think it would be pretty darn cool to be around to see what was going to happen next.  What new breakthroughs could we expect in the war on cancer, space travel or low riding jeans for goodness sake?

Then I thought, what if I wasn’t able to take care of myself.  I wouldn’t want to live in a home. 

But then I thought, what the heck, my daughter would take care of me.  Until it dawned on me that she would be 98.

So maybe I don’t want to live to be 120.  Maybe I’ll just check out when I’m 85.  I’m expecting big things when I’m 80 and I figure 5 good years to enjoy them will be enough. 


Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Beg Pardon?


I ran into a neighbor of mine about six months ago.  He was walking a puppy.  When I stopped to inquire about the new dog, he was proud to tell me the name of whatever “Designer” mix it was that he and his wife had just purchased from a Pet Store.  Dollar amount undisclosed.  My only reply was an off handed comment that they had bought an expensive mutt.  My neighbor didn’t look amused. 

Knowing that I am very involved in greyhound rescue, my neighbor’s wife stopped to ask me, a few weeks ago, if I knew of an animal rescue group that might be able to take their dog.  She then showed me both of her arms, which were black and blue from wrist to elbow.  It seems their now 7 month old Designer whatever it was from the Pet Store, that she paid an undisclosed amount of money for, had bitten her repeatedly.  Unsympathetically, I responded that had she gotten a dog from the pound she could have been bitten for a lot less money.  She didn’t look amused either.  Neither of my neighbors has a sense of humor.    

I was able to find a rescue group that would take their dog and try to rehabilitate and rehome her.

I spoke to my neighbor after she had surrendered the animal to my contact.  She cried and said she loved animals and that she felt like she was a “bad mother.”  I wanted to tell her that, in my estimation, she loved animals like fish loved dry land.  If she really loved animals, dogs in particular, the way she said she did, she and her husband would have been part of the solution; not the problem, and rescued a dog from a local shelter or rescue group and saved a life.  Instead, they chose to purchase a “Designer” dog from a Pet Store, thus contributing to the continued breeding of these animals, not to mention the continued clogging up of an already overburdened rescue group with yet another unwanted animal.    

I say this with the 100% conviction of a proud person who believes in what they do for animals.

Last week I ran into Sharon, the woman at the rescue group who took my neighbor’s dog.  She told me that she had already successfully placed the dog in a home and that furthermore, there was nothing wrong with the animal.  Seeing that I was startled by that revelation, Sharon asked me if I had seen the cage the animal had been kept in.  When I told her that I had not, she told me that it was so small the animal was probably biting my neighbor because she didn’t want to be put back in it. 

Then she told me she had seen the bill of sale from the Pet Store.  Apparently it had “$3,700” written on it but that it was crossed off and the word “SALE” was written across it with a final purchase price of $2,500.  From what Sharon could tell, my neighbors put $250 down and were financing $25 a month.  Roughly calculating that, it may very well be that the animal will be dead before they had paid it off.

“Designer” dog breeders, I mean breeders who mix mutts to create mutts, and then pass them off as a new breed, prey on idiots like my neighbors who want to brag to anyone who will listen that they are the first ones on their block to have this new kind of dog.  Then, the breeders take their money and laugh themselves silly, all the way to the bank.  If there wasn’t a poor shelter animal out there that my neighbors could have saved instead, I’d be laughing too.  

$2,500 for a mutt?  Actually that is kind of funny.  I’m glad my neighbors got taken to the cleaners. 

And I say that with the 100% conviction of a coward who trusts they will never read this. 


Thursday, August 22, 2013

No Phones, No Lights, No Motor Cars


There’s a show on TV called the Amish Mafia.  Is that supposed to be frightening?  I’m 100% Italian and have relatives who live behind concrete walls in Connecticut.  I’m not impressed.

I confess I have not watched the show nor do I have any immediate plans to do so.  I’m just confused as to the premise. 

According to Wikipedia, a “Mafia” is an association of criminal groups whose common enterprise is protection racketeering.  A Protection Racket is an extortion scheme whereby a criminal group or individual coerces a victim to pay money, supposedly for protection services against violence or property damage.

Don’t the Amish live without what most Americans would consider to be conventional necessities?  I'm talking about telephones, televisions and lights.  If the Amish Mafia is coercing its victims out of money, what are they buying with it?  Is there a Walmart in Amish Country that sells nothing but hand operated farming equipment?  How many butter churns can one Mafia have?

And while I’m asking, are Amish Mafia members allowed to own cars and guns?  If not, how on earth would they pull off a “hit?”  Horse Drawn Carriage?  Instead of a Drive-by Shooting would it be a Trot-by Fruiting?

I’m thinking a program like this would appeal only to the Amish.  But how on earth would they watch it? 

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Overboard or Overextended?


Are you familiar with the 1987 movie Overboard starring Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell? 

Here’s the plot:  Kurt Russell, a poor handyman with 4 boys all under the age of 13 and two mangy dogs, customizes a closet on the yacht of rich bitch socialite Goldie Hawn.  Goldie, a bitch, is unhappy with the work, refuses to pay and ultimately throws all of Kurt’s tools over the side of the yacht.  Later on that evening while searching for her wedding rings, Goldie accidently falls overboard, plunging into the Pacific.  When she is rescued the following morning by some fisherman, she is taken to a hospital where it is determined that she has amnesia.  She is still a bitch.  Seeing the report on the news, Russell visits the hospital where he claims Hawn as his wife and brings her home to his porn-watching children, dogs and hovel.  His children, obviously, are in on the deception.  His plan is to keep Hawn with him for a month, where she will cook, clean and care for his children and dogs until she makes up the $600 he was owed.  They never said what he was going to do with her when the month was over but naturally they didn’t have to because in typical Hollywood style, Goldie has a catharsis, becomes a model wife and the two fall in love.  Blah, blah. 

Meanwhile, Hawn’s mother keeps calling the yacht looking for her daughter.  Goldie’s stuffy husband is aware that Hawn was taken to a hospital with amnesia but he left her there, since she was a bitch.  He makes up excuse after excuse to Hawn’s mother as to Goldie’s whereabouts until his Mother-in-Law tells him he has a week to produce her daughter.  That’s when Stuffy Husband goes to find Hawn.  He appears at the Russell hovel, where miraculously, after one look at him, Hawn regains her memory, realizes what Russell did to her, falls out of love with him and leaves with Stuffy.  Kurt Russell, a man in love, enlists the help of the Coast Guard and pursues the yacht.  Heroically, he jumps overboard to swim to the yacht, which by Hollywood standards, is always a first rate idea.  Goldie, of course, realizes that she can’t live without Kurt and jumps overboard as well.  

They meet somewhere in the Pacific and  hang on to each other until they are rescued by the Coast Guard.  Kurt Russell is stunned by Goldie Hawn’s love for him, saying that he can’t believe she gave up the yacht and wealth to be with him.  She confesses that she didn’t.  It was all hers you see; the money and the yacht.  Kurt is delighted as you can well imagine as are his dirty-faced children.

As far-fetched movies go, we can certainly believe that Goldie Hawn would leave Stuffy Husband.  After all she still had all the money. 

But what do you suppose the outcome would have been if the money wasn’t Goldie’s, but rather Stuffy’s?  Would she still have given it up?  I’m thinking no. 

No woman in her right mind gives up a yacht, and millions of dollars to go live in a hovel with an out of work handyman,  4 snot-nosed, porn-watching kids and two tick-infested dogs.  I don’t care if it was a shirtless 1987 Kurt Russell. 
   

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Let's Hear Some Noise


What is it with golf anyway?  No one in the crowd can make any noise?  During the PGA tournament last weekend I actually saw pro golfer Jim Furyk turn around and point menacingly at a fan who made a comment just as Jim made contact with the ball.  Is Jim Furyk supposed to put the fear of God into anyone?  Have you seen him?  Honestly, this man could attend the Purdue family picnic and win the Best Looking Chicken contest.  Similarly, a few months back, Sergio Garcia and Tiger Woods engaged in a nasty verbal exchange because Tiger removed a club from his bag during Sergio’s back swing, making a noise.  Sergio felt Tiger did it on purpose.  All this bluster from a Spaniard whose country routinely hangs their dogs from trees after the hunting season is over.  Perhaps Sergio should be hung from one of the Magnolias at Augusta National the next time one of his balls goes in the cart path.   

During tournaments, officials hold signs that say “Quiet” and make announcements that no pictures are to be taken.  One broadcaster, who is out in a booth behind one of the greens, actually whispers.  Why is that?  My husband says it’s because it’s a “Gentleman’s Sport.”  Really?  How gentlemanly was it when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife and ended up with a Nine Iron in his ear?  Most recently Tiger was reported to have been falling down drunk at a party with his new girlfriend.  Truthfully I could not care less.  Let’s just cut the pretense and stop putting golfers in a higher class than other athletes.  Are we really expected to believe that Tiger Woods is the only pro golfer who behaves like this?  I doubt it.  The only reason we only hear about Tiger’s indiscretions is because no one in the viewing audience gives a rat’s patootie about the rest of the golfers on the tour. 

If the PGA wants to move golf into the mainstream sporting arena, the first thing they have to do is ban the players from wearing pink pants.  And I’m talking about when it’s NOT National Breast Cancer month.  Then they need to allow hecklers, give fans objects to wave when crucial putts are being made and encourage the throwing of water bottles at the player’s heads. 

Golf spelled backwards isn’t FLOG for nothing you know.

Then they have to  get rid of the sissies.  Honestly, what other sport has players named Keegan, Boo, Rory, Charl and Brandt.  Oh and Graham DeLaet.  I thought he was a dessert plate.


Monday, August 12, 2013

Don't Talk to Me


Every time I think I’ve heard it all, I have to have a conversation with my daughter. 

It seems her future sister in law, barely 24, has had some issues with drinking and driving.  The young girl has had several DUI’s and lost her license.  During the most recent incident, the young lady injured herself and ended up arrested with the promise of incarceration.  As she was to celebrate her upcoming birthday during her six month stay in the Gray Bar Hotel, the family decided that they should all go out and have a birthday/farewell dinner.  My daughter had to go.  All she said was, it was uncomfortable and a bit bizarre.

From what I was told afterwards, they all hoisted their alcoholic drinks and toasted the young girl’s birthday.  The young girl included. 

Now it all makes sense.    



Friday, August 9, 2013

Where on Earth is Julia Child?


I can’t cook.  I try but I can’t cook.

Somewhere along the line I signed up to receive daily e-mails from a site called AllRecipes.com.  Now, each and every day I get the “Daily Dish.”  There are usually 3 recipes to “Complete Your Meal” which could be a veggie, a drink special, an appetizer or a salad; then there are the Side Dishes which has a featured recipe and a link to “More Recipes Like This.”  Finally, there is the Featured Daily Recipe, an entree with its own link to “More Recipes Like This.”  If you like the featured recipe, you’re in luck since the link gives you a veritable plethora of similar recipes to review. 

What perplexed me one day was when the featured recipe was a breakfast sandwich.  The related link had a recipe for Cinnamon Toast.  Really?  Isn't that just buttered toast and cinnamon?  If someone can’t figure out how to make Cinnamon Toast, I’m not sure I’d want them touching a can opener.

My favorite recipes on this site are either from the Hunts or Campbell’s kitchen because I’m confident they’ve been tested.  The rest of the recipes seem to be posted by rotten cooks like myself, only these people like to put recipes on the internet.  The recipes have names that either start with “Famous,” “Perfect” or “Superb” and contain words like “heavenly” and “most delish.”  I have also noticed that many of them are Mom’s or Grandma’s recipe.  Is that supposed to provide some credibility to the quality of the meal?  My grandmother cooked with lard.   

I confess I have found a lot of very interesting recipes on this site and have uploaded them to my RecipeBook app on my iPad.  I love my RecipeBook app.  It has made it delightfully easy for me to save recipes for my husband to cook for me. 

As a bonus, I can also key in my own treasured recipes.   Just this morning I was reviewing all of my saved RecipeBook recipes when I came across one I forgot I had hand keyed.  Right in between Skillet Beef and Slow Cooker Au Jus Pot Roast I found one of my favorites; Skunk Spray.

Monday, August 5, 2013

It's Not We We We All the Way to the Bank


What is it with men and their use of the word “we” when it comes to professional sports, as if they’re on the team?

My husband is a NY Giants fan and every Sunday during football season I have to hear about how “we” played well that weekend or how “we” are going to the Superbowl.  Last time I checked “he” was not making $8 million dollars a year nor did anyone care if “he” was wearing a Nike shirt or not.  And after a quick review of his most recent pay check, I learned that it was not signed by Giants manager Tom Coughlin.  In fact, Tom hasn’t even called to find out why Jack hasn’t yet reported to training camp. 

I noticed however that it’s “you” when it comes to cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping and paying bills.

I wish we would mind our own business.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Sue Me? Sue You!


I know we live in a litigious society but isn’t there a limit?

During the Christmas holiday I was watching a commercial with Santa Claus in it.  I noticed a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen that said it was an actor playing a part.  I kept waiting for the punch line until I realized it was a serious commercial. 

I thought to myself, was that really necessary?  Are there that many people out there who would sue an automobile dealership because they erroneously believed Kris Kringle was going to fly their new car down their chimney?      

Monday, July 29, 2013

Clothed and Dangerous


My husband told me about a new reality show he just started watching called Naked and Afraid.  Gee, I wonder what caught his eye.

Let me give you the overall premise of the show.  Two people, a man and a woman, dropped in a remote, seemingly uninhabitable, dangerous location where they have to survive for 21 days.  They have to forage for food and devise crude shelter from the elements.  Naturally, there are poisonous snakes, spiders and every other vile creature indigenous to the area.  Each participant is allowed to choose one item to bring with them. The only time I watched the show the woman had a cup and the man had a pocket knife.  How WILL they survive?

Oh, and they’re naked.  Other than the obvious appeal to men, I’m not really sure what this adds to the difficulty of their journey.  I know it didn’t do anything  for me because first of all, all they show you is a lot of ass and since I already see plenty of that at the grocery store, it held no interest for me.   Secondly, the 40ish man had a few more spare tires than I cared to look at.  The 22 year old girl must have felt the same way because she appeared unconcerned with amoebic dysentery, snake bites or starvation because she immediately began fashioning clothes for her companion from reeds and leaves.  I’m surprised she didn’t borrow the pocket knife and gouge her eyes out. 

I don’t care for reality shows in general, especially survival ones like these because of the presence of the film crew recording their every move.  In a society where people sue McDonald’s because they’re too stupid to know that they shouldn’t put scalding coffee in their crotches, are we expected to believe that these people are in any REAL danger?  When the beleaguered contestants are "foraging for food," what exactly is the crew doing?  And where are they sleeping and eating?  On the episode I watched, it was supposedly 9 days before "Adam" and "Eve" had anything to eat.  And all they caught was a tiny snake that was able to sustain them for a few more days.  Am I expected to believe this?  What do you want to bet there’s a Sheraton pretty close by every “uninhabitable” location where the camera and lighting guys hang out after they’re done hiding rib eye steaks in the trees and Pellegrino under rocks in the river.  And the crew is probably eating Jerk Chicken, poolside, while they watch these two nuts on 24 hour web cams in case something goes wrong.  Because my guess is if any of these “survivalists” gets in any real trouble, they’d be whisked out of there before you can say “Who Wants To Be A 
Millionaire.”    

Frankly I think all these shows are a bunch of hogwash.  You want a real naked survival test?  Try taking a walk down the nude beach in Sandy Hook, NJ without laughing.  Or if you’d rather have a challenge with your clothes on, drive the New Jersey Turnpike on a Friday afternoon in the summer without flipping someone off.



Friday, July 26, 2013

A Veritable Plethora of Nonsense


Sometimes I fear I’m going to run out of things to post.  Then I remember who I’m married to.

My husband called me from work the other day to tell me he had something for me to blog about.  This from a man who not only doesn’t read what I write, but couldn’t tell anyone the name of my blog if his life depended on it.  Apparently he just likes the "notoriety."  I didn’t have the heart to tell him my readership is approximately 4 people.

I asked him what he had.

He told me he went to work wearing two different sneakers.  He thought it was a riot. 

And I was afraid I might run out of material.

    






Wednesday, July 24, 2013

You Are Being Watched


Am I to understand that Americans are really that upset over the government’s supposed spying on us?  Is this such a cause for concern that people are actually up in arms about it?  Really?  Wow.  If you ask me, there are a lot of narcissistic people out there with not only too much time on their hands, but with too high an opinion of themselves if they believe that they hold more than just some casual interest to the government.  I think people are seriously overthinking this.

Does the government even have the man power to watch EACH and EVERY ONE of us?  In 2006 there were over 22,600,000 Americans over the age of 18.  How many government employees are there out there who are charged with keeping tabs on all of us?  I hope there are at least 10,000 so that each one of them only has a case load of about 2,260 people each.  Perhaps this should be outsourced overseas because it seems like the United States government might lack the resources to watch a group this big.  

Realistically speaking, I’m thinking there must be some kind of “trigger” in peoples activity that prompts a government agent to begin looking into their activity.  I say, good.

But are there that many people out there afraid that what they’re doing on line might be watched?  Frankly, if the government wants to look at my bank accounts, read my e-mails and see what I’m watching on TV, they can be my guest.  I’m pretty sure the joke would be on them when they find that the raciest thing I put in an e-mail is that my husband sometimes doesn’t have clean underwear and I regularly dream about an old boyfriend with a perm.  Oh and that I’m a religious viewer of I Dream of Jeannie.   After half an hour of looking into my finances and on line activity they would learn that I’m ridiculously cheap and routinely put birthday hats on pictures of my dogs using Martha Stewarts latest photo app on my iPad.  Uh oh, now I’m on the No Fly List.      

I’m wondering if the proper concern for these people isn’t that the government IS watching them but rather that the government has the CAPABILITY to watch them.  I’m all for it either way.  If you don’t have anything to hide, you don’t have anything to worry about, and frankly, unless you’re doing something shady, more than likely no one is checking into anything you’re doing anyhow.  And if someone is out there doing something deserving of some scrutiny, then like I said, I’m all for it.  If the government can access the computer of just one madman and stop him before he acts, that’s OK in my book.

In fact, not only do I agree with it, I’d like to apply for a job doing it.  But I don’t know if I want to move to Mumbai. 




Thursday, July 18, 2013

World War I Don't Think So


Have you seen the previews for the new summer blockbuster World War Z?  I did.  In one clip I heard someone refer to Brad Pitt’s character as Jerry. 

Brad Pitt is not a Jerry; just like he’s not a Buford, an Ernie or a Wilfred.  If he were born a Wilfred he and his wife would be called Wagnes instead of Brangelina because for sure Angelina Jolie wouldn’t have looked at him twice.  

Tom Cruise is also not a Jerry, aka Jerry Maguire.  He’s a lunatic, but he’s not a Jerry. 

The name Jerry is reserved for silly looking, comedic Jerry-types like Lewis, Springer and Seinfeld.  If Jerry Lewis had been born with the name Joe, he’d have done a lot fewer telethons and been cast as Prince Charming instead of Cinderfella.   He also would have gotten all the women and Dilbert Martin would have been on the outside looking in. 

Only certain people can play a Jerry.  Paul Giamatti could be a Jerry.  So could Ty Burrell.  Brad Pitt is not a Jerry. 

If Jerry was Brad Pitt’s name at birth, things would have worked out a lot different for him in movies.  Thelma and Louise would have driven over the side of the cliff with him strapped to their bumper.




Monday, July 15, 2013

Finally, Some Good News


On my way home from work one night I heard the man on the radio proudly proclaim that the United States was no longer the most obese nation on earth.  I was so overjoyed that I put down my Whopper with extra pickles and clapped. 

Want to know what the most obese nation is?  Mexico.  I couldn’t believe it either but it’s true. 

The man on the radio cautioned that we shouldn’t be too overjoyed since the United States was a close second.  I don’t care, at least we’re not at the top of the fat category anymore.  We’re always either ranking first for something bad or last for something good, like education.  But at least in this one particular race, Mexico has us beat with a fat rate of 32.8% for adults.  That’s right, half.

You would think that a nation of people continuously trying to hop the fence to the United States would be a lot leaner.







Thursday, July 11, 2013

Not So Broadway Bound


My daughter and I got parts in a play at a local theater in town.  It was a highly prestigious honor to be cast in the Neil Simon show, for our selection was based not only on our extensive theatrical background but by the fact that we both showed up for the audition.  And had pulses.  In fact, all 6 of us in attendance that night were told we had parts and furthermore, did we know of anyone else who would be willing to give up 5 weeks of their lives to perform a two hour show 6 times?  The lack of casting criteria explained why the woman I have several scenes with is old, has difficulty remembering her lines and periodically breaks wind on the set.  Clearly she had her Screen Actors Guild card revoked right after the advent of the Talkies.  I am doing my best to memorize my lines as well as hers so I can scream them to her during live performances.

The leading man, on the other hand, is a pimply faced, overweight young man in his mid to late 30s.  What he lacks in theatrical ability he makes up for by yelling a lot.  And the fact that he’s overweight will add a much needed comedic element when I deliver my line to him that he’s ‘overwrought, overworked and underweight.’  I asked the Director if I could pat him on the belly and roll my eyes.  She seemed fine with it.  The young man didn’t appear amused.    

When we did the first read through I learned that my daughter, who plays the young man’s dead wife who appears in his subconscious, had a kissing scene with him.  When I spoke to her after rehearsal one night, I found that she was equally as aghast at the prospect of kissing her cast mate.  She said she would speak to the Director about it.   At rehearsal a few nights later I watched as the kissing scene loomed large.  At last the moment arrived.  I was surprised to find that the two merely shared a hug, a pat on the back and a cordial parting.  It’s a good thing, otherwise I was going to tell my daughter that she was no longer welcome to use my drinking glasses. 

I'm still perplexed as to what to do if my counterpart breaks wind during any or all of our scenes.  Most recently I have adopted the practice of devising a gassy “work-around” so as not to be caught off guard should she fire away at any crucial moment in our scenes.  

It may smell, but the show must go on.



Monday, July 8, 2013

Sans Undies


I got the call every woman dreads.

My husband Jack phoned me at work to tell me he wasn’t wearing underwear.  I could hardly contain my excitement. 

When I asked him why not, he said it was because he couldn’t find any clean ones. 

I explained to him that, while I didn’t mind doing the laundry, I was not inventory control and that if he didn’t tell me he was running low I wouldn’t know to do a load.  I told him to remind me that night and I would see to it he had clean drawers.....

The next day my husband Jack phoned me at work to tell me he wasn’t wearing underwear.  It seems he forgot to remind me about it the night before. 

I told him that when he got home I was going to introduce him to the big, white, rectangular, metal box in the room off the kitchen, and he could keep his pornographic phone calls to himself.

This is the stuff they don’t tell you about before you say I Do.




Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Popular Adage Dismissed


In the early 90’s I worked for a small company that used outside storage units to store old literature.  One day, they assembled a team of us to go to the storage unit to take inventory.  After a long day of counting we packed up to leave. 

On the way out of the facility I noticed a young man standing in his storage unit.  Sticking my head out the window of my co-workers car, I asked him if he had any women’s clothes he wanted to get rid of.  Had I been more astute, I would have realized that the poor guy had probably just been thrown out of wherever he lived.  The unit appeared to be filled with everything he ever owned. 

He bitterly asked me if that was all I ever thought about.  I cheerfully responded that well, yes; actually it WAS all I ever thought about. 

I don’t know what changed his attitude but the next thing I knew he walked up to the car and handed me a tee shirt.  His only comment was that his brother worked for the company.  He turned and walked away. 

To this day I still have that tee shirt and more than 20 years later, it is still one of the best tee shirts I have ever owned. 

The front says ‘What’s the Most Popular Form of National Defense” and the back is an ad for Trojan Brand Condoms. 

So you see, you don’t have to beware of strangers bearing gifts.

What you have to watch out for is when your 9 year old daughter borrows your clothes.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Look What I Didn't Find


           I don’t like it when people make me feel really, really stupid. 
Back in the 80’s when I was married to my first husband Scott, or as I affectionately refer to him, Bachelor #1, I was consumed with personal safety.  Ex-Scott worked late hours so if I went anywhere with my daughter, when I returned home I would search my entire house from top to bottom looking for hiding burglars. 
Upon returning home after an evening out with ex-Scott, I began my usual search of the house.  When he asked me what I was doing, I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable unless I searched the house to be sure there was no one hiding in it.  I further explained that it was a ritual I performed religiously each and every time I returned home.
He laughed and asked me what I was going to do if I ever found somebody. 
           Ha ha ha.  I hadn't thought of that.

           As it turns out, that holds up in court.


Friday, June 28, 2013

Pearls


People who own 5 dogs should not wear black pants.
Nothing tastes better than a ripe piece of fruit, until you dribble some of the juice on your shirt.
Large men walking small dogs look like sissies.
Whenever possible, buy a house with dual zone central air.
If you can’t run a football pool and win it, you’re not running it right.
People do not consciously try to be “good,” they just lack the opportunity to do otherwise (Thanks, P).
They only say it’s good luck if it rains on your wedding day because they don’t want you to feel bad.
Never insult someone behind their back until you’re sure the person you’re telling isn’t their relative.
Sooner or later everyone in your life will disappoint you.  Adopt a greyhound.
Someone who says they have never done anything in their life they’re ashamed of is a liar and should be ashamed of themselves for saying that. 
Dead people don’t look out for you.  They’re all off playing cards.
There is no such thing as fate.
Never assume you know what’s best for another person.  You don’t.
Life’s big decisions should not be left to children.  The vast majority have no idea what they want to do with their lives or who they want to do it with when they’re young. 
When life gives you lemons, lemonade is just gonna make you have to pee.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

IIIIII of One; Half Dozen of the Other


I bought a big clock with Roman Numberals for over my fireplace.  I like it a lot.  
As I stared at it idly the other night I noticed that “4” o’clock was displayed as IIII.  Was that right?  It didn’t look right to me so I goggled it.  It was wrong.  Do Roman Numberal clock manufacturers think we’re all stoopid?  I watch the Superbowl.       
Frankly, in all my IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII years on the planet, I’ve never had my intelligence so insulted; not even when I was IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII years old and myself and III others were unjustly accused of trying to steal a IIIIII pack of soda from the IIIIIII/IIIIIIIIIII.  
I am writing to the Roman Emperor and telling him about the error.  My advice will be to hire Eli Manning for $IIIIIIII an hour as their Kwality Kontrol Soupervisor.   If he takes off his shoes and socks I think he can count to IIIIIIIIIIII.

   


Friday, June 21, 2013

Bambi with Broccoli


My daughter’s boyfriend Nick told me he was standing outside his place of work one day when he saw someone transporting a dead deer. 

When I expressed my dismay over the senseless killing of animals for sport, he assured me that the animal had not been hunted.

When I asked him how he knew, he told me that the deer was on the handlebars of the man’s bicycle.  Somehow, he had managed to pick it up from the side of the road and was trying desperately to ride with it.

I have no idea if the man was attempting to bring it home for his own consumption.  What concerned me was the direction Nick said the guy was heading. 

I need to find a new place for Chinese.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Let the Printer Beware


My husband Jack lost his job at a privately owned printing conglomerate, an industry he’s been in and has vilified since the age of 18.  I always assumed he was exaggerating.

Jack contacted an old colleague, a VP of Sales and Marketing, about an open position at this man's company.  The man, slated to move into the President’s chair, told Jack to send his resume and he would get him a job. 

As it turned out, the man, 20 years Jack’s junior, instead decided to voluntarily leave his six figure a year position.  Like Jack, he had had it with the printing industry.  Unlike Jack, he is young enough to be able to pursue an entirely different career.   Want to know in what?  Law enforcement.

I thought to myself, the printing industry is so bad that a person is willing to give up a six figure salary to get away from it?  And be shot at instead? 

I will never complain about my job again.


Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The Old Cliche


My husband Jack lost his job a few months ago.  Roughly translated that means I’ve been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately. 

As I was driving down the road one day, lamenting my life situation, I passed a man and woman riding a tandem bicycle.  I noticed that the woman was missing a leg.  How truly awful, I thought.  Not only did she have the hardship of dealing with only one leg, but certainly there must have been heartache dealing with whatever tragedy that caused the loss of limb in the first place.  At that moment in time it occurred to me that the old saying is true:  there is always someone worse off than you.  I felt better.

But then I started thinking about how that chain works.  Who was worse off than this woman and what was their malady?  And who was worse off than that person?  And that person?  And that person?  Surely the succession of people worse off than the one before had to end somewhere. Who exactly is this person who is the worst off in the entire world and what are his total number of afflictions?  Is he a deaf, one-armed leper with scabies and a bad hair weave?  Who lives in New Jersey? 

Why doesn’t this person step forward?  If he identified himself, he could make everyone else feel a lot better. 

He sounds selfish.

    

Monday, June 10, 2013

If it Wasn't for Bad Luck


My refrigerator is leaking water all over my kitchen floor.  My garage roof is leaking water all over my husband Jack’s Harley.  My electronic garage door won’t close anymore.  I could go on for days.

I decided that nothing was earth shattering enough to warrant calling in a repair man.  So we try to remember to close the garage doors at night and live with a towel on the kitchen floor.  The Harley is on its own.   

After two months of a leaky fridge I thought that perhaps not fixing the problem might lead to more damage so I figured we should call in a professional.  Since I save EVERYTHING, I got out the 12 year old refrigerator manual and told Jack to find the service 800 # and call to find an authorized service tech in our area.  Instead, after two months, he decides to read the troubleshooting section.  He finds “leaking” and the next thing I know he’s asking me if we have baking soda.  No I tell him.  Then he asks me if we have a turkey baster.  Honestly, I had to look at what he was reading to be sure it wasn’t the Letters to the Editor section of Hustler magazine.  I’m assured it’s the refrigerator manual.  No, we don’t have a turkey baster I tell him. 

We went to the store and bought baking soda and a turkey baster for about $4.00.  When we got home Jack filled up a container with warm water and mixed it with baking soda.  He used the turkey baster to squirt it somewhere in the freezer and honest to God the darn thing is fixed.  Do you believe it? 

Now what do you suppose would have happened if we called a repairman in?  First of all, they would have charged me $175 just for the service call.  And I can’t imagine the guy would have gone out to his service van and come back in with a turkey baster and baking soda.  My guess is he would have pondered over the “problem” for about half an hour, told me it was a busted Fallopian tube and charged me $600 to fix it.  Frankly I’m still in shock. 

In the meantime I told Jack to get out the manual for the garage doors and see if he needed some Pepto Bismol and a Pez dispenser.


Monday, May 13, 2013

The Birdman of Alcatraz


The other morning as I was letting my dogs out, I could hear a Woodpecker in my yard.  As I ventured towards the trees to see if I could get a closer look, a thought occurred to me.  Who named that bird?  I mean, Wood Pecker for a bird that pecks wood?  It seems fairly obvious, no? 

There are Sparrows, Owls, Robins, Wrens and Cardinals, to name a few.  Why is the Woodpecker the only bird named for what it does?  For instance, why don’t they call Hummingbirds “Fastwingflappers” and Ostriches “Sandheadstickers?” It's an outrage.

I decided I'm going to send an e-mail to that Autobahn guy and tell him to stop worrying about cars in Germany and start working on renaming the Woodpecker.  Oh, and the Swallow too.  The people from Capistrano can get a new song.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Not What the Doctor Ordered


Since I turned 50 I’ve been contemplating having a colonoscopy.  So far I’ve decided against it although I have to admit I’ve been taking a fair amount of heat from a friend who recently became an RN.  She said if it made me feel any better, she would have it done with me.  It didn't.

Since many of my friends have had colonoscopy’s I thought I’d ask them and see what they thought about the procedure.  Except for a cousin of mine that is, who has stated that she enjoys them.

I started with a friend whose husband had recently undergone one, or so I thought.  As it turned out, he was sent home by his practitioner.  I immediately started to panic, wondering what kinds of things go wrong that make a doctor feel the need to cancel a procedure of this nature.

It seems that my friend’s husband was told that after midnight the night before, all he was allowed to consume was clear liquids.  He erroneously took that to include, but not be limited to, Absolut Vodka and Bombay Gin.

He rescheduled for a week later, which gave my friend plenty of time to change the locks on her liquor cabinet.


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Not What the Doctor Ordered


Since I turned 50 I’ve been contemplating having a colonoscopy.  So far I’ve decided against it although I have to admit I’ve been taking a fair amount of heat from a friend who recently became an RN.  She said if it made me feel any better, she would have it done with me.  It didn't make me feel better.

Since many of my friends have had colonoscopy’s I thought I’d ask them and see what they thought about the procedure.  Except for a cousin of mine that is, who has stated that she enjoys them.

I started with a friend whose husband had recently undergone one, or so I thought.  As it turned out, he was sent home by his practitioner.  I immediately started to panic, wondering what kinds of things go wrong that make a doctor feel the need to cancel a procedure of this nature.

It seems that my friend’s husband was told that after midnight all he was allowed to consume was clear liquids.  He erroneously took that to include, but not be limited to, Absolut Vodka and Bombay Gin.  I wish I was making that up.

He rescheduled for a week later, which gave my friend plenty of time to change a few locks in her house.


Sunday, April 28, 2013

You Asked


I found out years ago that I am a bit of a medical anomaly in that, while most women have only one, I have been blessed with two internal female body parts; the name of which shall forever remain a secret. 

During a recent doctor’s visit, I was discussing my “dual parts” with my gynecologist, who always seemed fascinated by the whole thing.  He regaled me with stories about how I should be in some sort of medical text book.  Then, in his meager attempt at humor, asked me if I also had two rectums.  Wasn’t that hilarious?  I mean, what with me in those hysterical stirrups and all. 

Trying to keep up with him, I explained that, well, yes, I did have two rectums, and that, while one was on my backside, the other was probably still at work.  But he could call him if he’d like.


Friday, April 26, 2013

It's Waterloo All Over Again


My daughter insists my next door neighbor Nick is a descendant of Napoleon Bonaparte for no other reason than because he’s short and bald.  We discuss it periodically and it gives us both a hearty chuckle.  I’m not even sure if the real Napoleon was bald, but my daughter says he was.  I asked my husband Jack if he knew, but since he’s currently flirting with a bald spot himself, he wouldn’t weigh in.  He doesn’t think my daughter and I are very funny.

Jack prefers to concentrate on Nick’s agricultural habits. Every April he pays a small fortune on his yard’s fixings, but just sort of throws all types of flowers and shrubs in the ground with no rhyme or reason and calls it a day.  Then two weeks later, his place is overrun with weeds which he does nothing about the rest of the season.  My husband will stare out the window for hours at a time, watching his handiwork and shaking his head, calling me periodically to, ‘come see what Nickodermus is doing now.’

Personally, my favorite part is when Nick finishes his annual Spring project.  He calls his wife outside and the two of them stand there, wine glasses in hand, looking at his handiwork, bobbing their heads up and down.  All that’s missing is a high five and some chest bumping.

As if that wasn’t enough, he recently finished his basement.  As far as I’m concerned, it was really poor planning.  There are only 16 feet separating our two houses and the one basement window my neighbor has faces the side of my house.  I’m guessing he hasn’t realized yet that he has nosy neighbors because he hasn’t bothered to put up a curtain.  I don’t know how many times I’ve walked around the side of my house and caught my husband who is ‘taking out the garbage,’ peering in their basement window staring lovingly at their 65” HD flat screen. 

On those occasions when I take a peek in, I chuckle and point out what a great view we have of Napoleon’s bald spot.  My husband, not happy with my observations, will only comment that our neighbor appears to be a Colts fan.